Tag Archives: Depends

Every Dog Has His Day

OG Old Men

Meet Terrence, Clouse and Victor. These guys are brothers – in fact they are triplets. The two on the left in the white shirts are Siamese Twins and the third brother in the checkered shirt was born with them but unattached. So needless to say, he always felt left out during their childhood, as the conjoined brothers were very close. Often they would exclude the other brother, to which he always screamed and yelled to their parents for intervention. Usually the parents would force the Siamese siblings to include their lonely brother in their activities. Begrudgingly, they would oblige but not without protest or revenge.

One afternoon when they were 15 years old the Siamese brothers tricked their brother into thinking that they wanted him to join them in the basement to sneak some peeks at their father’s collection of Look magazines. As soon as their brother came down the stairs, they locked him in a closet where they had previously hidden a case of rotten fish from their uncle’s market. They laughed and ran upstairs leaving their poor brother in the closet for hours until their parents came home. The week of grounding they received for this cruelty was well worth it to these two evil cohorts.

But this was not the last time their brother would fall victim to their manipulative ways – in fact, for 70 years the two brothers always got the better of their gullible brother; partly because Victor had an IQ of 68 but mostly because he always believed his brothers would one day come around and include him out of love. He always gave them the benefit of the doubt – which never, ever worked in his favor. Sadly to make matters worse, as his brothers became very successful in their careers as exotic professional gigolos, satisfying women from all five of New York’s boroughs, their lonely desperate brother had no other options in his life but to become their assistant; always in the shadows of his two Machiavellian brothers, cleaning up after their messy escapades for table scraps.

It was not until the day in this photo, on their 90th birthdays that Victor finally got his revenge. He convinced his brothers to join him for Gelato and coffee in Little Italy to celebrate their landmark birthday. He told his brothers that Raquel Welch was performing a juggling routine at noon, to which his brothers became both aroused and delighted at the prospect of seeing such a famous vixen in the flesh. So they accompanied their brother to a square in Little Italy for a promised day of fun and games.

As they sat eating Gelato and awaiting Ms. Welch, the Siamese brothers began to get impatient as to what the delay was. Their brother reassured them that she was coming soon, knowing full well that she was not. He smiled to himself because what his brothers did not know was that he paid a young kid $100 to line the part of the bench where his brothers were sitting with industrial strength glue prior to their arrival. So in essence Terrence and Clause were literally stuck to the bench – they just didn’t know it yet. This fact would become evident in mere moments.

As Victor prepared for his grand prank he felt an anticipated rumbling in his stomach (the consequence of eating 5 dishes of rich creamy Gelato) which he deliberately brought upon himself for this fateful day. Knowing he did not handle Lactose well at all he was about to have a major incident in his pants. As the sensation got more and more urgent Victor knew he had only moments to accomplish his mission.

Right then, a Raquel Welch impersonator appeared in the square and began juggling cantaloupes. Terrence and Clause clapped in sheer joy and began singing to her happily. Victor grinned and swiftly excused himself (knowing that the timing was perfect) and walked behind the bench (where a ladder was lying in wait for him, thanks to the kid). He quickly stood the step ladder up and climbed it so he was hovering over his brothers. They were too distracted to even notice his absence.

Victor waited for the right moment – for when everything in his stomach was falling into place. Just as the faux Raquel added a watermelon to her routine Victor unbuckled his pants and dropped them to his feet, exposing his wrinkled behind to the world.

With a forceful push and a smile wider than a boomerang, Victor evacuated what must have been three gallons of wet waste all over his horrendous brothers. As Terrence and Clause struggled and panicked to get off the bench their despair only grew in bounds as they realized they were most certainly trapped. They screamed, they yelled, they vomited – all to their brother’s delight. Victor laughed the most maniacal laughter heard since the first bandit in a top hat tied a hero’s girlfriend to a train track back in the 1800’s. This was Victor’s proudest moment. His brothers were covered in what resembled pudding with meatballs. Victor got a lifetime of revenge in only a few short seconds.

As he climbed down the ladder and pulled up his pants he looked at his two sobbing, coughing brothers and smiled. He was proud of his accomplishment – his life’s work. He walked around to face Terrence and Clause and took a bow. He then said “happy birthday boys, payback’s a bitch” and calmly strolled away, leaving the spectacle of his siblings for the crowds of people all around to gawk at in horror.

As Victor was about a block away he saw a news van fly to the scene – to which he laughed very hard. He thought to himself how he was going to top this if they made it to 100 years old. He figured he had plenty of time to think about it. He hailed a taxi, got in and headed for home, telling the cab driver to stop at the grocery store first so he can get some Depends.